“Who wants to talk to someone from the Decemberists about the new album? Just so you’re aware, it probably won’t be Colin Meloy.”—An e-mail i just got from an editor. I guess Meloy’s too busy swimming in that sweet, sweet Colin Meloy Sings Sam Cooke money.
I always like to have fun with the coat check girls. After dinner when the coat check girl gives me my coat back, I will say in a rather surprised way, “Hey wait a minute” I pause as the girl will look at me with a, oh no, did I give you the wrong coat look. Then I say, This is the coat I gave you. Don’t you have anything nicer?” Fortunately, I usually get a smile out of her at that point.
So I sez to her, I sez, I sez … Dear god. I’m sure the “coat check girls” really appreciate this laugh riot. This dude is like a composite of every nerdy dad ever.
Female servers all over Youngstown, OH fear my friend’s dad. He can never go out without slinging this zany game:
Waitress: How about another Diet Coke?
Dad: Um, no, but how ‘bout another Diet Coke?
Also this, with perhaps the best accompanying photo in any Onion article ever.
there’s a very hot young teacher in the class next door, and lately we have been making [what in my opinion I would call] friendly stares, accompanied by short smiles. Nothing to it; I enjoy it for what it is. So, today I finally got rid of my lovely parents and after I dropped them off at JFK Airport where they took a marvelous plane to Santo Domingo (for what I hope will be a very long time) I decide to go to school super early and catch up on some late work, hide in my secret spot in the library and why not? get high in Bryant Park before doing my godly duties. The weather is nice, I’m looking ahead at a life without mami y papi all over again, school is fine, projects with friends are ambitious, life is fucking good coño and getting high in the park is the most logical thing to do when you feel that way, because it’s like being on a sailboat and the wind is in your favor, it’s great and I should just fucking chiiiiill today, yes.
Hola, Amigos. It’s been a long time since I rapped at ya.
“First beat I did, was in seventh grade, on my computer. I got into doing beats for the video games I used to try to make. My game was very sexual. The main character was, like, a giant penis. It was like Mario Brothers, but the ghosts were, like, vaginas. Mind you, I’m 12 years old, and this is stuff 30-year-olds are programming. You’d have to draw in and program every little step-it literally took me all night to do a step, ‘cause the penis, y’know, had little feet and eyes.”—Thanks To Erotic Game Design, Rapper Kanye West Got Into Hip Hop
“Dressing gay" you can’t dress like … Your dress don’t give away whether or not you like a man. Think about actors that straight dress up like a woman or something like that. People wanna label me and throw that on me all the time, but I’m so secure with my manhood. And that’s the reason why I can go to Paris, why I can have conversations with people who are blatantly gay.”—Kanye West - If you’re manly enough, you can talk to homosexuals without getting any of the gay on you.
Manta Ray, a Pixies b-side. My favorite song by my favorite band.
Joey Santiago’s downright autistic guitar soloing
David Lovering’s humble, workmanlike percussion (note how his fills seem to shake Joey out of a stupor after the first chorus)
Kim Deal’s post-coital coos and wide-eyed school girl cheering
Frank’s shrieks, which sound like he’s alternately fighting off demon possession with gritted teeth and trying to exorcise the ones that already got in.
It’s complete nonsense, but it means more to me than a volume of Dylan or Cohen or Berman or Finn. It’s a psychotic reaction, diddie-wah-diddie, raw power, shock treatment, papa-oom-mow-mow, nosebleed headrush orgasm skin-peeler every time I listen.
Search engine optimization (SEO) has come up a few times in my internet and real-life travels over the past 24 hours, and I’d like to take this opportunity to say the following.
SEO is a joke. If your stuff is worth being visited, people will find it.
Addendum: If it was possible to circumvent what Google’s algorithm considers to be worthy of the first page of their search results, Google would eventually become worthless as a useful search engine. I’m fairly certain they’ll do their best to ensure this doesn’t happen. You cannot win versus The Google, puny human.
I want to agree with this, but it’s just not true. At least not yet.
I was employed for a while as an SEO guy and I absolutely loathed the tedium and soul-crushing pointlessness (at least in terms of net value to society) of my job, which entailed seeding pages with too many keywords, creating fluff content for seasonal search terms, futzing with the metadata, and populating message boards with backlinks. I don’t see how anyone can be passionate about this, and yet there are hundreds of firms and thousands of people who make a living optimizing web content. People wouldn’t waste the time if it didn’t make a difference.
I had the opportunity to go to an SEO conference in Vegas, where I met several dozen SEO types, all eager to learn new tricks without giving up any of their own. Google’s lead engineer Matt Cutts was surrounded at all times by schmoozers hoping for a slip of the tongue. I noticed that he was always drinking water, a tactic I later found out was employed to prevent anyone from getting him tipsy and loose-lipped.
I can’t wait for the day when optimizers are phased out of business. I’ll feel better about not going down that lucrative but soulless career path.
“On January, 26 2006, Phoenix was in a car accident on a winding canyon road that flipped his car over. The crash reportedly was caused by brake failure. Shaken and confused, Phoenix heard a tapping on his window and a voice say, “Just relax”. Unable to see the man, Phoenix replied, “I’m fine. I am relaxed”. The man replied, ‘No, you’re not’. At this point, Phoenix managed to see that the man was famed, eccentric German auteur Werner Herzog. After helping Phoenix out of the wreckage, Herzog phoned in an ambulance and vanished.”—Wikipedia - Beginning to think that Herzog actually is an angel.
When the Mongols laid siege to a city, the first day the general would commandeer from a white tent, signifying that the inhabitants of the city would be spared if they surrendered. The second day the tent would be red, meaning the women and children would be spared. After that, the tent went black and the city would be completely plundered and everyone inside killed.
Also they were known to live for weeks off blood from their horses’ necks.