Arthur goes to another vendor. It’s the SHAMWOW GUY, phone piece in ear, selling his Shamwow towels.
Remember that thing going around where that guy apologized for how awful the Battlefield Earth script was?
This is what he’s working on now, a sub-sub-sub-sub-Mel Brooks King Arthur parody called Knights of the Not-So-Round Table. In the twenty minutes I spent reading the first half of the script, I read about:
An appearance by Tony Soprano as a Knight from the Isle of Jersey
An “I see dead people” reference, spoken by Death
A character named Lady Gwenarear, presumably a Kardashian/Lopez hopeful
A Simon Cowell American Idol gag
A Billy Blanks cameo
Several Helen Keller gags where she’s walking into walls and facing the wrong direction
Lots of burping
Jokes about mentally challenged people
Lots of farting
At least a half dozen jokes ripping off Men in Tights, Shapiro’s earlier script
VERY FAT KNIGHT Pull my finger.
Remember in the Flintstones movie where they called “McDonalds” “RockDonalds” because in caveman times all they had were rocks? They do that a lot here, only instead of actually coming up with a clever twist on an existing cultural touchstone, they just slap a “Ye Olde” onto everything. A character called Beer Bellied Husband holds a can of “Ye Budweiser.”
NEYTIRI from “Avatar” riding her Direhorse. It’s like a bird soaring the sky. ARTHUR That’s so beautiful. The Direhorse poops… all over everyone. ARTHUR Ok, that’s not.
Again, I’d like to stress that THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE in 2010.
Oh and this:
Merlin scans the area with his binoculars. MERLIN Wow! Those are the best looking titties I’ve ever seen! Camera zooms in on A VENDOR selling little cakes called— TITTIE VENDOR Titties! Get your freshly made titties.
JD SHAPIRO: A MAN IS SELLING CAKES CALLED TITTIES. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.
A car passes a billboard. JUDGE CLARENCE THOMAS is on it. He holds out a can of Pepsi. Slogan reads: “The choice of a nude generation.”
A Clarence Thomas joke? That’s it. Life sucks. Everything is the worst.
OMG. He links to a YouTube video to describe what he wants to convey. Is that even allowed in screenwriting? (It was a Downfall parody, btw)
Even the awful jokes are so lazy.
A hot air balloon hovers. It reads “Trojan. The best way to keep your sword safe.”
OK. I get that we’re in a medieval parody and all penises are now swords. But couldn’t we have gone the extra mile and made a reference to a “sheath” or something? There is no existing concept that people have about keeping their swords safe. Why would a sword need to be kept safe?
SMEAGOL and YODA bump into each other and spill beer on one another SMEAGOL Watch where you’re going, My Precious. No, you watch where you’re going, my Precious! YODA Funny you talk. Ass I kick. Yoda and Smeagol square off. Yoda takes out Smeagol with his light Saber. Tucks it away and finds his seat.
Two small characters from popular films meet in a real world scenario. HURR DURRR.
ARTHUR Lancearoundalot, I need you today. Camelot needs you. And I believe Master Chi was wrong. Your purity is not in your virginity. It is in your sword. Your sword, man! LANCEAROUNDALOT You’re saying my strength is in my- dick? ARTHUR Yes! Now use it. Lance looks over at Gwen. And his sword rises! (Armor coated of course). LANCEAROUNDALOT By God you’re right! The penIS even mightier than the sword!
HOW DOES THIS 10 YEAR OLD SNL RIP EVEN WORK ON SCREEN!
He makes some fantastic sword fighting moves.
WHAT. You are 12. You are 12.
GIRL SCOUT #1 Buy our cookies, motherfucker!
The joke here is that a little girl is saying swears.
Is that a sword in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
There are several dozen swords=penises jokes.
There is a scene at the end where, out of nowhere, the villain does the “I drink your milkshake” routine from There Will be Blood. In a subversive bit of fourth wall shattering self-reference, the hero replies, “What does this have to do with anything.” And I’m like, “Um, inorite?”
“Thing was based on a New Yorker cartoon which depicted a shocked mailman reacting to sign posted on the Addams’ mansion which warned “Beware of the Thing”. While developing the series, Charles Addams was asked what, exactly, was the “thing”? He opined that “thing” was a disembodied head that rolled through the house on various ramps and pulleys. It was decided that a hand would be a bit more palatable. This was to prove a source of some terrible puns. It is never made clear exactly what Thing is, whether some sort of actual creature or a somehow reanimated hand from some human person. Thing, too, has a name - Thing. Or, more specifically, according to Morticia, Thing Thing. Actually, Thing T. Thing, she finally clarifies.”—
“I am looking for a Ghost Writer with wit to pen a Cult Classic. The tone/voice is Malcolm Gladwell meets Malcolm X with a twist of the wry humor of Seth Godin. Subject Matter – Something is WRONG with Black people. The tone of the book is humorous and frank but dropping Wu-Tang Like science at the same time.”—
The thing that Nicki and Luda both do on this track is something that a lot of rappers seem to be doing nowadays which is the hip hop equivalent of explaining the joke — they will make a reference and then in a short, staccato, just-behind-the-beat burst like a period name the thing they are referencing. (“Comin’ down the street like a parade. Macy’s.”)
AUGH THIS THING! I guess the alternative would be, “It’s goin’ down like a basement,” or “I fill her up like balloons,” which sounds stupid. In conclusion, this is a cheap attempt at making a weak rhyme sound slightly less boring.
“At first, I thought, ‘Why should I be on food stamps?’" said Magida, digging into her dinner. "Here I am, this educated person who went to art school, and there are a lot of people who need them more. But then I realized, I need them, too.”—
The first time was in fifth grade when the most popular boy in my class asked me what a “first down” was. I guessed that it was when the team got a touchdown on the first try after a kick. Everyone laughed.
(Who is laughing now, K___ T______, who works at a concession stand at the airport? I mean I know I’m unemployed now, but I’m talking generally.)
“I used to smoke a lot of weed," Ninja says. "Then I got my hands on a David Lynch Twin Peaks box set, and I watched the whole thing in one sitting, and it blew my mind. Special Agent Dale Cooper said something about pot being bad for you, and that convinced me that maybe I shouldn’t smoke pot anymore. All of this now might be a little harder to take if I were.”—Die Antwoord signs to Interscope
I say poor Beyonce because the only reason she’s in this video is that she has misguidedly allowed herself to be convinced that this self-aware Spongebob Squarepants thing is what pop stars have to do now to be thought relevant or interesting.
Wake me up when she offers something more than the same tired fempowered Andy Warhol noise that’s been done better by Yoko, Grace Jones, and more recently Roisin Murphy.