March 2010
Arthur walks to A VENDOR.
ARTHUR
What are you selling there?
VENDOR
Just a bunch of shit.
Sure enough, he’s selling a bunch of shit.
Arthur goes to another vendor. It’s the SHAMWOW GUY,
phone piece in ear, selling his Shamwow towels.
Remember that thing going around where that guy apologized for how awful the Battlefield Earth script was?
This is what he’s working on now, a sub-sub-sub-sub-Mel Brooks King Arthur parody called Knights of the Not-So-Round Table. In the twenty minutes I spent reading the first half of the script, I read about:
- An appearance by Tony Soprano as a Knight from the Isle of Jersey
- An “I see dead people” reference, spoken by Death
- A character named Lady Gwenarear, presumably a Kardashian/Lopez hopeful
- A Simon Cowell American Idol gag
- A Billy Blanks cameo
- Several Helen Keller gags where she’s walking into walls and facing the wrong direction
- Lots of burping
- Jokes about mentally challenged people
- Lots of farting
- At least a half dozen jokes ripping off Men in Tights, Shapiro’s earlier script
- This:
VERY FAT KNIGHT
Pull my finger.
Remember in the Flintstones movie where they called “McDonalds” “RockDonalds” because in caveman times all they had were rocks? They do that a lot here, only instead of actually coming up with a clever twist on an existing cultural touchstone, they just slap a “Ye Olde” onto everything. A character called Beer Bellied Husband holds a can of “Ye Budweiser.”
- Also:
NEYTIRI from “Avatar” riding her Direhorse. It’s like a
bird soaring the sky.
ARTHUR
That’s so beautiful.
The Direhorse poops… all over everyone.
ARTHUR
Ok, that’s not.
Again, I’d like to stress that THIS IS AN ACTUAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING IN REAL LIFE in 2010.
- Oh and this:
Merlin scans the area with his binoculars.
MERLIN
Wow! Those are the best looking titties
I’ve ever seen!
Camera zooms in on A VENDOR selling little cakes called—
TITTIE VENDOR
Titties! Get your freshly made titties.
JD SHAPIRO: A MAN IS SELLING CAKES CALLED TITTIES. YOUR ARGUMENT IS INVALID.
A car passes a billboard. JUDGE CLARENCE THOMAS is on
it. He holds out a can of Pepsi. Slogan reads: “The
choice of a nude generation.”
A Clarence Thomas joke? That’s it. Life sucks. Everything is the worst.
OMG. He links to a YouTube video to describe what he wants to convey. Is that even allowed in screenwriting? (It was a Downfall parody, btw)
Even the awful jokes are so lazy.
A hot air balloon hovers. It reads “Trojan. The best way to keep
your sword safe.”
OK. I get that we’re in a medieval parody and all penises are now swords. But couldn’t we have gone the extra mile and made a reference to a “sheath” or something? There is no existing concept that people have about keeping their swords safe. Why would a sword need to be kept safe?
SMEAGOL and YODA bump into each other and spill beer on
one another
SMEAGOL
Watch where you’re going, My Precious.
No, you watch where you’re going, my
Precious!
YODA
Funny you talk. Ass I kick.
Yoda and Smeagol square off. Yoda takes out Smeagol with
his light Saber. Tucks it away and finds his seat.
Two small characters from popular films meet in a real world scenario. HURR DURRR.
ARTHUR
Lancearoundalot, I need you today.
Camelot needs you. And I believe Master
Chi was wrong. Your purity is not in
your virginity. It is in your sword.
Your sword, man!
LANCEAROUNDALOT
You’re saying my strength is in my- dick?
ARTHUR
Yes! Now use it.
Lance looks over at Gwen. And his sword rises! (Armor
coated of course).
LANCEAROUNDALOT
By God you’re right! The penIS even
mightier than the sword!
HOW DOES THIS 10 YEAR OLD SNL RIP EVEN WORK ON SCREEN!
He makes some fantastic sword fighting moves.
WHAT. You are 12. You are 12.
GIRL SCOUT #1
Buy our cookies, motherfucker!
The joke here is that a little girl is saying swears.
Is that a sword
in your pants or are you just happy to
see me?
There are several dozen swords=penises jokes.
There is a scene at the end where, out of nowhere, the villain does the “I drink your milkshake” routine from There Will be Blood. In a subversive bit of fourth wall shattering self-reference, the hero replies, “What does this have to do with anything.” And I’m like, “Um, inorite?”
Play
Play
“Harris was born Estelle Nussbaum in New York City in 1928,[1] the daughter of Anna and Isaac Nussbaum, who owned a candy store.”
—
George Costanza’s mom was born of a candyman. I love it.
Play
“Longtime Cardinals announcer Jack Buck once quipped that he had seen Steinbrenner’s yacht and that, “It was a beautiful thing to observe, with all 36 oars working in unison.”
—
George Steinbrenner - Wikipedia
You don’t hear a lot of quips these days, do you?
“Thing was based on a New Yorker cartoon which depicted a shocked mailman reacting to sign posted on the Addams’ mansion which warned “Beware of the Thing”. While developing the series, Charles Addams was asked what, exactly, was the “thing”? He opined that “thing” was a disembodied head that rolled through the house on various ramps and pulleys. It was decided that a hand would be a bit more palatable. This was to prove a source of some terrible puns. It is never made clear exactly what Thing is, whether some sort of actual creature or a somehow reanimated hand from some human person. Thing, too, has a name - Thing. Or, more specifically, according to Morticia, Thing Thing. Actually, Thing T. Thing, she finally clarifies.”
—
Thing is called “Eiskaltes Händchen” (ice-cold little hand) in Germany.
Play
“as someone who hearts broadband, I hope Google’s desire to push the limits brings about the change we so badly need.”
—
How Much Will Google’s Fiber Network Cost? – GigaOM
The worst. The WORST.
